Clarity. Namaste🙏.

I spoke to my pastor's wife on Sunday. I spoke to her about the condition of my heart.
I just feel like I am no longer connecting with a lot of their preachings and teachings.
This is also really hard for me because I have come to love them as family and I know without a doubt that they preach the truth. Another reason this is hard is because I need for my children to be rooted in the Word of God via a living church and I had hoped that this assembly was going to be it....but I also feel now more than ever that the church is not for me, and by extension, my kids, anymore.

I came to this conclusion not without a lot of personal striving. I do believe that God sent me to the church for a reason, there was a purpose for which I was led there as evidenced by the fact that I am now able to see through a lot of things I had hitherto been almost blind to, especially where it came to false prophets and motives, but I also know that my time with them is up.
I am now convinced more than ever that God is in many different assemblies (except, of course, the ones who get their powers from the devil) and that He uses every different assembly to capture, to win, to save unto Himself. There are people who are to be saved and won through this particular church I write about, and for a second I felt it was the case for me, that I had found my "home", but that has not been the case. If anything, although my knowledge of God has grown, so also has my over analytical AKA judgemental side. There is no point in feeding an aspect of my life that already naturally has the propensity to run amuck if not well managed.

When I wrote my seeking post, it was coming off of a time of deep soul searching. I had been accosted by respected members who came to preach to me about giving up my earrings (as they are not even aware that I even makeup and wear pants since they don't see me wearing that but see me wear little earrings). My husband got to hear about this and got livid. He asked that I not attend the church again.
This led to a period where I kept seeking and asking for clarity from God on what His Word really says on these issues and just generally seeking to get personal direction from God and not from what a man tells me he has received from God for me. I wanted it for myself. The pastor, after preaching to me about this, said a prayer telling God that he had "passed on the message the Holy Spirit asked him to give to her", further throwing me into personal turmoil. I felt very strongly in my heart that this was not the case. Although I struggled with why I was angry/annoyed, it really was because I began to ask myself pertinent questions:

What about people who were genuinely following after Christ and who just happen to be worshipping in other denominations that don't adhere to all these laws? Were they to perish then? Would this loving God, who promises that all you need to do to be saved is confess Christ with your mouth and believe with your heart and repent of your sins, would He turn them away? I am a very simple person and I believe my appearance to be quite modest, I go out of my way to avoid flashing boobs and tighs or wearing any clothing that is revealing- this was even before I began attending the church- but now I am a sinner and need more prayers and encouragement in the faith because I have yet to give up earrings. What about the condition of my heart? Of what good is putting away earrings, makeup, deodorant, perfume if in my heart lies judgement, sanctimony, hypocrisy, lack of self control etc? Will my outward "holy" appearance balance my inside out? I think not. What does it say about me that I make up outside the church and wear pants but have to go barefaced and wear skirts to church? Hypocrisy. 

I have struggled with this and continuing to listen to their teaching only served to make me see sin everywhere I turned and unconsciously begin to feel like the ministry was the only one preaching truth hence any sect not preaching the same was sadly not on the right path- but this isn't true.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe that you have to repent of your sins when you give your life to Christ. I also will never see sin and call it some other name to make people comfortable with me, no. People say "all sin is sin, don't judge me because you sin differently", sure, I won't judge you but I will point out the sin to you and hope that you get the conviction to study the Word for yourself and shun it. It doesn't mean I am judging you as I would hope that you do the same for me. Also, the notion that "we all sin differently so let's stop "judging" and correcting each other" is actually wrong. We all sin differently, fine, does that make it ok then? If I see you committing sin and correct you in love, it is because I expect you to do the same for me. So, although I will obviously still be seen as "judgemental" for knowing the Word of God and talking about it, I believe the reason for which my path got connected to theirs has been served.
Hubby eventually said I could attend the church if I wanted after I had asked again, but I had had about 4 weeks away from the unspaced indoctrination (as my hubby would call it) to really think and study the bible. I saw that the condition of my heart was no more right. The preaching may be great for the people who are adherents of this teaching, but my spirit contended with it solely for the fact that I felt that God did not want me to become the way I was becoming. The little, subtle references to preachers who were divorced, sects who had idols, sects who could not preach about sin in the church etc, etc had started to feel uncomfortable to me. There is great preaching no doubt, but I also reckon there is a lot wrapped in it that can breed hypocrisy in people- as it was beginning to do in me.

There are things I have learned is the one thing I know for sure. I am more aware and in tune with my motives- what is the motive behind the things I do? What is the motive behind wearing a particular outfit to church or anywhere else for instance- sure, the outfit looks nice and makes me feel good, but would it cause people to "notice" me? Would it cause for someone to, briefly removing their focus from the preaching in church, take a few moments to admire how good I look? Could it cause a man to sin in his heart? Though the world preaches, "Wear what you want to wear, you are responsible for what you wear and not responsible for a grown man who lacks self-control", the bible says in Matt 5:28-  "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart", could the clothes I wear cause another to commit adultery in his heart? Should I care about this or not? Is it solely the randy brother's business if he is committing fornication/adultery with me in his heart- not my cup of tea?

Well here's what the Bible says about this:

Mark 9:42- "whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea".

Matt 18:7- "Woe to the world because of it's stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!".

The more I see life through those lenses, the more I am accountable to myself to align my motives to the Word of God and to check my motives to ensure that I am pleasing God. Of course, no one is perfect and I can't promise that I won't ever be found wanting, but I do pray that God continues to guide my path. The world is such a multifaceted place with so many different people in the world that we need different kinds of TRUTH preachers- NOT FALSE PROPHETS🙅- to preach the truth of God's Word to people- and going by the standards of this congregation, I don't see a huge amount of people who I really believe need God's Word and truth actually coming to Christ and staying long enough to be raptured.
I believe that the experiences I have had in life totally removes me from this mode and method of worship and belief. Indeed, I have always believed that some of the experiences I have had especially with my personal struggles that some of you know about, came to me as a way for God to keep me humble- because I was rather such a goody-two-shoes, despite having been a rather stubborn child, and naturally tending to analyse issues and reach conclusions- what people might call "judging" (my blog name didn't come out of nowhere guys)- and so I truly believe the struggles came to keep me grounded and adopting or continuing, at this time, to adopt this mode of worship is doing the exact opposite and in this I strive. So I had to, in love, tell this to the pastor after he called to inquire about what was going on, having been told by his wife of what I was struggling with.

God places people of authority in our lives, our parents, spiritual leaders, husbands, the government; and when you don't submit to their authority, you are actually then rebelling- which the bible says is witchcraft- and this blocks your blessings in life. This is the reason people need to actually get the consent of their parents to marry a spouse- even where you think they are being unreasonable. This is also the reason a woman ought to submit to her husband, even if the said husband is a goat. It would just be unfortunate that one marry one that acts like a goat but that was your choice so, you do need to submit to his mammalian disposition unfortunately. In the same vein, when you submit yourself to the authority of a spiritual leader, you need to then OBEY the teachings that are part and parcel of the said ministry. The teachings peculiar to that ministry is the reason that God blesses that particular ministry so, not heeding to the teaching is akin to rebellion- which then blocks your blessings.

I explained this to the pastor and he agreed 100% with me but added that no matter what decision I come to, I know that they love me desperately. I know this. I know it without a shadow of a doubt. But I cannot continue to submit myself in part to them, I'm either all in or all out. They walk under the Law whilst I walk in the Law of Faith and the Grace of God. It would be foolish of me to, having walked in the Faith of God's Grace, to now submit myself to the law- something that I can see for myself is inhibiting my spiritual life. It is almost a break up in a manner of speaking but it has to be done. And break ups are best done clean, swift and without lingering too long. 

I could say "yeah, I'll just keep attending, it's no big deal", but faith cometh by hearing and the more I hear about these legalistic bits, the more it takes root in my heart thereby condemning me as I refuse to submit to it. When you act against faith, especially your faith, you lose big. I woke this morning and opened my bible to study and this was what I read:
1Timothy 1: 3- 7 ; As I exhorted thee to tarry at Ephesus, when I was going into Macedonia, that thou mightest charge certain men not to teach a different doctrine, neither to give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which minister questionings, rather than a dispensation of God which is in faith; so do I now. But the end of the charge is love out of a pure heart and a good conscience and faith unfeigned: from which things some having swerved aside unto vain talking; desiring to be teachers of the law, though they understand neither what they say, nor whereof they confidently affirm....."
You can read through the entire chapter.

That said, I choose to walk in the grace of God and with faith and love which is in Christ Jesus. The people who have submitted to this doctrine do have to keep it, but I don't accept it as it raises questions in me that I believe is not the Will and purpose of God for the gospel. 
Before I sign out, I'll just leave his passage from Ezekiel,

Ezekiel 16: 10-12   " I clothed thee also with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk. I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck. And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head....."

This was the Word of God which he said to Ezekiel concerning Jerusalem. This is God beautifying Jerusalem, whom He loved. So you see why you have to study the Bible for yourself and gain better clarity, asking for understanding from the Holy Spirit?
May God help us in this race, I do know that the end is here and Jesus will be coming anytime and so we need to put away childish things and really devote our lives to Jesus and strive for the faith- especially in these times where there is so much contending to destroy the faith. Minding things like the wearing of earrings and make up is certainly, CERTAINLY, the LAST thing anyone needs to constitute a stumbling block to their faith. There is so much division in the Christendom, so many different doctrines that you need to have a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. Cry for it, Beg for it, Pray for it, Seek it- you need your convictions yourself, find them for yourself- don't look to man to interpret the bible for you, the Holy Spirit is in you as He is in your pastor, let Him show you and convict you.
So I choose to separate myself from this sect for now, if it is God's will for my life, our faiths may cross again, but for now, Namaste. 🙏🙏


Love Always,

P.S- I may eventually decide to continue to attend the night vigils which are really only for prayers but I will not be fellowshipping and listening to their preachings and doctrines anymore. I am only one and the ministry will not change because of me, I will be the one who will be expected to change eventually and no matter how many scriptures I find that exonerate me from this condemnation that was beginning to take root in my heart, somehow, they would always find some way to convince me otherwise with Scriptures too (as I have found that there seems to be a "for" and "against" in the Word sometimes) and so, with the current conviction I have from the Scriptures I believe the Holy Spirit has shown me, I choose to let go now.
What I'd encourage anyone conflicted due to the contraints of doctrine that they met, not necessarily one they have studied in the Word of God and come to believe for themselves is, please study the Word of God for yourself and get some understanding. The Word of God will free you from these mental chains that become stumbling blocks to your faith.

P.S.S- About preachers (or people) who are divorced etc, my stance on divorce is as it is in the bible and this is that divorce is wrong before God. However, I do know a certain pastor who, although has this stance, had a wife who went on ahead to divorce him regardless. He couldn't stop it. This pastor continues to teach the Word of God but has not and will not, if he lives by the teachings according to God's Word that he has been teaching, remarry. I will not then say that because his wife divorced him, he doesn't have the Holy Spirit or that his ministry is questionable, no one is perfect. I don't know the issues they might have been having but the fact of the matter is, she instituted the divorce proceedings and, against every form of intervention, went ahead with the divorce. It is not for me to ascertain whether or not he still has the Holy Spirit in him but I also know of some other pastor who wilfully goes through wives like it's going out of fashion. Clearly, this is against the Word of God and I will never submit myself to such a pastor's ministry because I do not believe his life and beliefs to be in line with the Word of God. So, sure, you don't judge but you also have to have a discerning spirit and to know when to criticise and when to pray for men of God.


  1. I truly admire the way you have gone about this. You did not stew in anger neither did you just accept something that you began to contend with in your spirit. Rather, you sought understanding for yourself. I truly truly admire the way it has been done. Your transparency too. The church is us and like you said, there are so many different preacgers who preach the truth to reach diverse audiences, a preacher who preaches not to eat certain meats or not to, like in your case, wear earrings, will be limited to the number of people they can reach in the world and we need the gospel to penetrate people.
    Also, you need to submit to your husband, as long as he is a believer. From the looks of it, you both don't attend the same church and I'm not sure this is wise, you both do need to adopt the same faith and I am glad your stance currently mirrors his. Very important. May God continue to guide your path.


    1. Thank you Ozzie!! May God continue to give us clarity! ❤️❤️