Divorce: Learning To Love Again..... (2)


He did agree to having had a tough time with being open and how he had struggled with it and tended to jettison a budding relationship once he saw certain characteristics or traits in a woman he couldn't immediately understand but said he believes he is ready now. It hurt me to think that this Ikenna, handsome, caring and open Ikenna; who I had had a crush on back in my school days (he was my elder brother's friend and had asked me out when I'd been about to get into the university but I hadn't agreed: somehow along the line, we grew close and would chat like siblings and I grew to like him but the ship had already sailed, lol!) was now this distrustful person who's been unable to open his up his heart.


Divorce obviously leaves an indelible scar on our hearts and lives but I believe that we should not let it colour our ability to trust, believe in and hope for true love. Also, while I agree that one would be almost extra careful if they've had to go through a divorce from a previous spouse, it shouldn't be the reason one goes about with a mental microscope and an internal sensor that is really over-sensitive and goes off once it senses anything amiss- no one is perfect after all and so people will come with issues, you cannot keep running at the sight of an issue. Also, I didn't get the sense that he felt a woman would equally be as picky about him as he was being about them; a divorced person almost goes through double the scrutiny one who is single will go through only because the person you are about to hook up with will also be looking you over and trying to spot what could have caused your divorce and wondering if you could have been the reason for it so, whilst you are being overly sensitive to mistakes and finding it hard to open up to love, the one who you're making it difficult for to actually love you is probably guessing that your inability to be open and be tolerant is the reason you're divorced.

Your best bets are:

1) Heal: You need time to heal after you've gone through a divorce whether you like it or not and quickly diving into relationships for companionship or whatever reason, for me, is a recipe for disaster and just tells me you aren't really ready to move on. You need time to grieve the death of the relationship, whether or not the divorce was initiated by you. Take and make some time for yourself, feel, mourn the companionship you thought would last forever, read spiritual and uplifting books, go out and make new friends, see a movie.... just, start to live again. You'll know when you've healed: you'll begin to trust your capability to share your heart with another but still be in control of it in a way that you will not be vulnerable- I don't know if that makes sense? You can then afford to open up your heart to another but also know that you can handle whatever happens without breaking down.

2) Keep an Open Heart and Let Go Of Bitterness: You have to try as much as possible to look at life through optimistic lenses and try to see the good in people. Let go of the bitterness- this reveals itself in the way you recount wrongs done to you by this ex, being sarcastic and cynical and just having that negative energy about you that you don't realise others can perceive from a mile away: bury the cynicism, realise that you won't ever meet a perfect person- as long as the major things that tick your boxes are met/there, the rest can be worked on.

3) Don't be desperate:  Don't be needy and desperate but also try not to sabotage love by either consciously or unconciously pushing it away. Just be cool and easy about it and love will definitely find you.

I've obviously only given these views based on my own observation of divorce and its negative effects on people I've met and known in the past and how I truly believe one can get over the devastating effects- over time. Please feel free to add your thoughts and perspectives and if you've got first hand experience too, your contribution would be very much appreciated.

But let me leave you with a quick poll, would you go into a relationship (dating/marriage) with a divorcee? Would you approach a possible relationship with a divorcee with the same amount of caution you would a person you know has never been married or do you reckon your guards would be a little higher with the divorcee?

Sorry I haven't been frequent with my updates, I've been soooo busy and am trying to find a balance between the activities going on in my life and the time I can allocate to the blog. Also, I'm trying to  figure out what way I really want to go with the blog..... 

 Love Always,
Judgejudyjudy...
x....

Hope YOU are having a good August! :) 




2 comments

  1. I would date divorced person because if I didn't I'd probably never date again... lol

    I also agree that we shouldn't judge each other because of a divorce or break up because that's not very loving and forgiving.

    Trust is the most difficult thing to get back once it's been broken .... xox

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