On Tiwa, Teebillz and Depression....

Reading about the whole drama last week on TBillz and Tiwa on the internet and on Instagram had my heart beating so loudly- I felt very strongly that Tbillz was on something and was likely to go through with trying to commit suicide and I kept praying it was what people were speculating it was, a stunt or a possible hack, or that friends would get to him on time. That was before the exclusive on LIB broke stating that eyewitnesses actually had saved Tbillz from jumping off a bridge.

The thing is, people don't really realise that depression is real and that it could happen to anybody. That things are cool with you TODAY doesn't mean that a few years down the line, you wouldn't be riddled with several different kinds of mental illnesses. Depression is treatable but we as a people need to learn to handle people with kid's gloves, especially in Nigeria. People even use the fact that you've suffered depression in your past to curse you out (??? that's just hilarious!)- it's not a lifetime sentence biko, calm down.

People cursed him out for attempting suicide, saying that he didn't really want to die and that if he had truly wanted to die, he'd have found a less sensational way to do it and not "make so much noise" about it. I thought it was truly harsh but what people don't know is that a person who is at that stage where they are thinking of killing themselves, a lot of times, are looking to hear someone say, "STOP!!!!", to show/tell them why they should stay alive....
A lot of times, they truly do not want to die, they are just at that really low point where they are thinking, in their head, that life isn't worth living anymore and sending out all those messages, calls to friends, etc is just a pointer to the fact that, innately, they really do not want to die or at least they wish to be saved. You cannot really understand what goes through the mind of one either about to commit suicide or that actually goes through/succeeds in committing suicide but it is a truly dark place to be.

I've tried to commit suicide like three times in my life so, to an extent, I can give you a bit of an insight into how that place can be and how/why one can get there. The first time was either when I was about 12 years old- I can't even remember what I had done but my mum had said she was going to tell my dad about it and, rather than face the really harsh discipline I knew was bound to come as a result of her telling (my dad "disciplined" by trashing you with horsewhips, freshly cut orange stems- not sticks- and when he flogged you, you had fat, red, angry welts running all over your body that had blisters in them- it was as horrible as it was horrendous! Sometimes he'd lace the welts with some freshly ground pepper- THAT was his definition of "discipline" for what I can, in retrospect, call innocent, childish mischief....), I toyed with the idea of just killing myself with his shot gun. I went to see how I could get the bullets (which used to be in a drawer) in the gun but didn't know how to handle it.
The second time was when I was sixteen. I'd graduated from high school and was waiting to gain admission into the university; this wait period had me using every "dash" money I got to go straight to Sangana street in Portharcourt to shop for clothes and so I'd acquired a fairly large amount of trendy clothes to start school with and on one evening, after I'd come home at past seven due to traffic (my curfew had been at 7pm), my dad, mad and in the throes of his blinding rage, asked that all my clothes be brought out and he proceeded to set them on fire.
Kai! I had been sooooo bitter. He'd cursed the living day lights out of me and so, at night when everyone was asleep, I took an excessive amount of paracetamol tablets..... I truly don't think I took enough to affect me in retrospect because I was scared but, still, somewhere in my head, I wanted to "show them" by killing myself so they'd realise that disciplining a child didn't have to be so brutal....

A week later, he gave me quite a sum of money to go and replace my wardrobe and I ended up having a better co-ordinated wardrobe. This "abuse" song we sing sometimes is, like I've said before, as old as a lot of us. Enough said.
These first two times can best be described as childish but you can't really deny that both cases had a recurring factor: gripping fear in one case and frustrated bitterness in the other due to the level of "discipline" one received which, when really looked into, isn't really discipline but a case of sheer brutality masquerading as "discipline"....
Then the third time was in 2009, in the midst of my own personal struggle with alcoholism- before I'd had that chance encounter with Christ Embassy in 2010 that now had me learn to begin to trust God for everything: healing, sustenance, strength and guidance in all of the life struggles I face/d going forward.
In the last instance, it was a lot of feelings really: disappointment, hopelessness, a feeling of  if-this-is-how-my-life-is-going-to-be-then-there-is-no-point-seeing-it to-the-end, it's just a really dark place to be and this feeling is normally exacerbated when there is a chemical interference anywhere which was why I worried about Teebillz.

Suicide is really a weak way out- and I'm willing to accept that I have been that weak in the past.
It is a very selfish  and cowardly way out of life's inevitable troubles- everyone is faced with challenges and the mark of maturity is in sticking it through- life's not easy but once there is life, there is hope.
I appreciate that in the mind of one about to commit suicide, the future looks bleak but, really, life is always changing and the tide could be in today, out tomorrow- it's always changing- we are also always changing- the person we are TODAY (weak, pessimistic and depressed) might not be the person we'll be tomorrow (stronger, inspired, optimistic) and with every state of mind, our circumstances also change as we attract to ourselves what we hold in our minds so our circumstances are always changing- no matter how long a time it takes so your best bet is to hold out in faith.

I've got absolutely nothing to say about their marriage as I think every marriage has it's own peculiar issues and you just have to find what works for you- I pray they can find a way to deal with these issues. I don't believe in divorce as I believe God's plan for marriage is permanence but I do think there is need for some type of separation in this case especially since all these allegations of substance abuse have been bandied around- IF it is true then methinks Teebillz may need to seek help and get right. They just need to do a lot of work because I still think they love each other, at least Tiwa's emotional addendum about how much she loved her husband at the end of that video seemed to come from the heart. It's just not easy, some people have it really easy from day one, others have to work from the very beginning and it gets better along the line whilst some others resign themselves to a lifetime of working at it- marriage requires dedication and commitment.
I personally skip most blog posts I see that address marriage ( except for the ones on Wivesconnection because some of the audience and advice you read on there are really quite sound and practicable in a "Nigerian" Christian home ) especially the controversial topics- Should you "obey" your husband? Should a spouse "allow" the other to...? When a woman wears the pants, why should the...? I steer clear of the comment sections too- too many single people feeling this or that is a "no brainer" and just having way too many very fickle opinions that they term "common sense"- it's just no use reading the comments or adding yours. I probably also thought like that at one time so I just keep quiet.
I followed the Tiwa's story and comments but had to stop at some point....
It is well jare, we'll all get to our destined and individual family goals by God's grace.

That's all I've got to say, everyone's been having some type of "weigh in" on it so I thought I finish up this post I actually started the day it all began...

So much to catch up on, I haven't caught up with reading my favourite blogs so I'm getting right on it!

Love Always,


  1. I wish others would just stop judging each other, life is hard enough and we are hard enough on ourselves... I think we are about love, I think Heavenly Father wants us to love Him and each other the way He loves us... xox

    1. You're so right Launna. I think we all have a bit of that judgemental side but really need to be very conscious to let that side go and love more.
      I've missed you *sheepish smile*, lol. x

  2. I really wish them the best. Most people are quick to judge and have an opinion about other people's lives,but when faced with the said challenge,tow different paths from their retarded "advice"....#yimu lol.everybody face your own problems and quit sticking your noses in other people's businesses. It's a hard time for them,people should give them space to sort themselves out jare....well,there goes one of the cons of being celebrities-no privacy. it's well

  3. Wow. Your experience is something else. I thank God you pulled through in the end. The burnt cloths story really touched me, but I like the way it ended. I've had similar experiences, but they forced me to run away from home, not commit suicide. Thanks for giving me blog inspiration for next Monday.

    How do bleating marriages survive?

    1. Some Nigerian parents sha, lol, it is well....
      I'll be waiting tto read the post!!!

  4. ive also tried to commit suicide once,things were so hrd-graduated 10yrs ago and still no job.sometimes u wonder if there is a God,it just seemed like God wasnt hereing my prayers bt evn tho things r still hrd now,i knw it will get betaa.

    1. It will surely get better hun, once there is life, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE FOR A BETTER FUTURE. It is well with us all in Jesus name, Amen.
      Keep pushing!

  5. Hi, read a comment of yours from another blog and curious, came on here to read. I actually had tears at the story of the burnt clothes, plus I'd just read the one of being flogged. God has done great in your life. Not many are able to rise above abuse. That a lot of Nigerian kids were raised in similar doesn't make it okay or normal.
    Our parents did us a great injustice. I hear you say his actions are from a good place and I applaud you for that forgiveness.
    May God continue to love, heal and nurture you.

    As for Teebillz and his depression, I would wager it is largely drug induced. I would hope Tiwa stays as far from him as possible till he sorts himself out. Addiction and rehabilitation are things you do largely by yourself. It's a life decision. It will be nice to have a wife to hold your hand.... But it would be nicer if he loves her enough to work to be worthy of his creator and her hand.