Yearning for so much more....

I got back from church today feeling a bit flat- which is not normally the way I'd normally feel.
I always leave church feeling fired up in my spirit and raring to go but I was abit distracted today....  distracted by my greed for more- I just want so much more!!! I don't want to be a nominal Christian, to have to occasionally be wary of the "evil in the world"- I want the evil in the world to BE WARY OF ME! I WANT TO BE POWERFUL!!!

As in, I want this so much, I sometimes wonder if it's a normal desire other people have.....
I yearn for the gifts of the Holy Spirit- just the way we were asked to in the bible- I actually REALLY yearn for it- I want a gift, JUST ONE WILL DO- understanding tongues, gift of knowledge, wisdom, of distinguishing between spirits, of healing, of miraculous powers, of prophesy- as in, I want one NOTABLE gift!

I've pondered on this on many occasions and realise that it's not enough to yearn for it, you need to back up your desire with Dedication- to God and to his Word, Determination- to put in the work that needs to be done to attain these spiritual heights, Obedience- to God and to His Word and total Commitment- to this desire. Again, I instinctively "know" what I need to do to get there, or at least I reckon I do, but then, how long before the cares of the world take precedence over these godly desires? Normally by the next hour or the next day, depending on how strongly I am feeling the divine call. I have often wondered if the first step to this would be taking a bold step of faith and going on a 40 days and 40 nights fast? I hear that major step launches people out into their ministry- I actually think about this alot! But then, I tend to move the possibility of undertaking such a fast into the future....

Some people who "know" me might laugh to think me wanting spiritual gifts and thinking I might have a calling but, to be quite honest with you, I have felt for a long time that I might have a certain calling BY GOD- I'm just not sure what it is for ( I had to put "By God" in capital letters because I heard a strange story recently very close to home about a lady- a wife and a mum- who suddenly began to act mysteriously and when we asked what was wrong, we were told that, "they said she has CALL". I remember we were dazed and asking the same question for a good 2-3 mins, " we don't understand, CALL for WHAT na? Is it altar call or is it- what is it?" Before we were told it was mammywater call.... Issorait.... moving on...). If not, how do I explain alot of things that I've been through? How do I explain some of the strange happenings and seeming bondages God has continually delivered me from? I truly think I must have a calling to be a GREAT woman of God..... I'm not bluffing.

Through all of the  times I'd toed the wrong path, why have I always retraced my steps to God?
My mum has always said something to me, she says, "Ihe oma na ihe ojo no n'ime gi na agba mgba mana nke oma ga emeririli!".
Translation: the good and the bad in you are wrestling to gain control over you but the good must SURELY win!
For as long as I can remember, I was seen as a baddo for reasons I couldn't explain- from my young adolescent years. I just felt something was wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough- I was told I was the blacksheep from as early as 7 years old ( and way before that age ), that I was a failure at 11- infact, I'd just had it drummed into me over and over that I was the "bad" daughter- probably because I did the wrong things to be fair- but this belief followed me everywhere from my primary school to secondary school- don't get me started on my University years! However, in my junior secondary years, after I had mistakenly stayed through a protestan/pentecostal service, I felt something I'd never felt in all of my few years struggling to "get into" the cathoic fevour- I felt at peace, I cried as I worshipped and I felt a release! Amazed at the seniors and even juniors speaking in tongues, I watched in awe and wanted it. That didn't last long but that began my relationship with the pentecostal church and their mode of worship- it resonated with my spirit!

Since then, it's truly been a struggle between my good and "the bad" self- just as my mum rightly observed. I began to realise this with time and the realisation kept growing until I "knew" for myself that I actually had two active sides and, depending on which was fed, I was that which grew from being fed. I was good at being bad and good at being good- but I often struggled with my conscience when I was bad and this is where I believe the depression I've been said to suffer from actually came from. Hence, it is often baffling for anyone who saw me in my "bad state" to reconcile that "me" to the "good" me should they see me a couple of years down the line, it's like, "Honey, you've got a personality disorder thing going on! #sideeye", lol. My dear, it is the calling of God continually dragging me from the wrong path- no try to think am too much, just accept am as I tell you.

Often I tell God, "If you really want me, why not just show me a sign that I can believe 100%? A burning bush? A talking donkey? Or has it happened and I'm just not paying attention?....".
I do believe I have a calling from God.
Only time will tell.

Have a great week ahead my friends and I pray you achieve what you set out to do this week.
Stay blessed!

Love Always,

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