Choosing Hope.



I'm in a bit of a low mood and, not really wanting to share or bother anyone around me with it, I decided to sit in with it and write till I feel better.
At least I hope I feel better by the time I get to the end of this text.



So I'm sitting here, trying to process my thoughts and feelings, the reason I feel so low and down and it seems to not quite be because of a singular thing but more like a number of so many little things that all add up.
Like most women in general, I am prone to mood swings, but more so it may seem  in my case who have been diagnosed as being a depressive. As much as I respect medical science and all of it's findings, it is difficult to understand or accept that one can be said to suffer from depression or anxiety or panic attacks or any one such form of mental illness now flying around. Most people I've known and have been opportuned to interact with would regularly weave in and out of different moods and one got to understand that THAT was just how they were, it seems to me that to so baptise it with some overly serious name and make it a clinical condition merely magnified a temporal state of mind into one that one could hide under as a cloak in total ownership.

Anyway, this is not the place, nor the post to write about mental health issues so I'll just retrace my steps ( in this case, my thoughts ) back to the point I was trying to find and make.....
It's all a number of little issues that add up...
It rained quite heavily, more heavily than it ever had this winter and the rain poured down heavily on me as I walked back home from work. It was a 30 minutes walk and by the time I was home, I was in no mood to smile or chat- I only managed to put on my happy, play face and demeanour for my son who wanted to play and I kept up with the appearance for about an hour whilst I prepped his favourite dinner, ate with him and then left him to play with grandma whilst I retreated into the sanctuary of my room to draw on the feelings which didn't really need to be drawn out in any case- they were just below the surface of the thin layer of happy I was wearing.....

Darling husband (DH) has been entreating me to go for my theory test and get through with my driving lessons so I can start driving. Indeed, he had earlier booked me in for a test in early September because he knew he'd be away for a while and that it would prove a struggle for me to juggle taking care of the baby alone, working an 8- 5 five days a week, taking care of the homefront- and doing all of these without a car. I had meant to write the test but I never quite found the time to read for it and so, to his greatest annoyance, I had called to cancel so as to not entirely lose the fee....

My reason has been that my son is quite the handful and handling him alone is no mean feat- I sincerely believed I was trying but just could not find the time. I had also thought that my mum's presence these past two months would have availed me the opportunity to get this goal done and dusted and, indeed, it had been the one thing I'd hoped to achieve before the year ran out.....
A pregnant colleague at work today impressed it upon me that regardless of how daunting it is right now to juggle things, I still had to find the time to study for my test and get it done as it was bound to bring alot of respite and ease for and to me in the long run- she said this whilst slowly shaking her head from side to side, as though to say, "You have tried Judyjudy but, enough with the excuses, you just have to get this done.".

My mum leaves next week and I'll be back to the same gruelling routine I had had before her arrival, I still haven't gotten my driving licence and tomorrow is the end of the year and I had marked it by being thoroughly whipped by the rain as I walked the distance home.... That must be the reason for the low mood- the feeling that I have not been able to accomplish something I had hoped to inspite of the many opportunities I'd had to accomplish it.

Add to that the fact that my blackberry, for reasons best known to it, chose this evening to just kick me out of my account.I tried to log in again and again and it seems that, with all of the many platforms requiring passwords, the particular password I'd used to set it up had gotten lost in the sea of passwords and so I've finally had to log in with my gmail address and password and have finally been let into my BBM account, only, there are no contacts in my phone. Just great.
My blog is still lost in blogosphere as of today, thank God I can still access the work space/dashboard- I can write to stay sane.
It's just a lot of small and rather mundane things that just seem to all be adding up to annoy maximally.
It would actually be funny had it not all been really exasperating.

But I will not wallow in self pity anymore.
Yes, 'tis the end of the year, but, amidst all of the trials faced within the year (which were really daunting to say the least), God's kept my family protected and together- in love, unity, divine protection and good health- and through all of the challenges thrown towards us this year, we were able, by sheer wisdom and the grace of God, to find all of the golden nuggets within.
Suddenly, it hadn't seemed like trials any more- It had all been part of a bigger plan and purpose to secure for us a better future- it had all been a stroke of divine intervention, a divine allowance designed to affix one firmly on the path of restoration and growth.

Taken out of the context of what is in my head, my experiences within the year, a lot of what I am writing does seem a tad abstract, does it?
Can you relate to it? Does it resonate with you?
Though the words are mine and pertain to my own unique experiences within the year, my prayer is that it resonates with you and you can take from it something too- the choice to see the good in every situation and, where you can't see it, to wait in hope for it.

So I'll be waiting in hope and patience knowing that all the annoying things I've outlined above will surely resolve itself. :)
So, generally speaking, how would you describe 2015 and what are your hopes for 2016?


As I had hoped, I feel so much better already..... :)

Please share your thoughts with me....

Let's relate.
Love,
Judgejudyjudy.
X






No comments